…and this time he doesn’t have to go pee.
Archive for the ‘Our American Empire’ Category
The ghost of Strom Thurmond returns from beyond, filibusters Senate bill on financial bailout.
Wednesday, October 1st, 2008Take Your Dad to CBS Interview Day
Monday, September 29th, 2008Since basically everyone agrees that Sarah Palin bombed her first CBS interview and her initial folksy appeal dwindles daily, the McCain campaign today brought John McCain and Palin together to hold a joint interview with Katie Couric (read: Palin really screwed up). Behold how our once future president from the year 2000 blames “gotcha journalism” for Palin’s apparent gaffe:
Given that we are less than a week from the only VP debate, the campaign has sent Palin to McCain Intro 101 debate camp to make sure she can say things other than Alaska is next to Russia. We at K/P remember fondly our time in summer camps years ago…making friends, roasting marshmallows, and preparing to debate Joe Biden on foreign policy and the economy. We hope that by the end of camp she will realize she made a mistake and confused John McCain for Ron Paul.
We will liveblog the VP debate, probably from Mather House or Wasillastan. Stay tuned!
Sarah Palin doesn’t need to talk about the middle class. She is the middle class.
Saturday, September 6th, 2008…said somebody, some McCain surrogate giving an interview on MSNBC before the start of the fourth and final day of the RNC.
America’s new VPILF successfully blew off that pregnant-daughter thing; bringing that son-in-law-to-be on stage after her address seemed to pretty much seal it away, by showing Palin engaging in one of the finest traditions of middle American women:
…making a poor in-law’s life miserable. Seriously. Drag him out in front of 40 million Americans on prime-time television (we’re not talking Oprah here—oh God Sarah Palin wasn’t thinking of trotting out her kids on the Oprah show?) where the “elite media” is sure to point to his face with neon-sign caption “the baby’s father.” Does even John Edwards deserve that?* And even disregarding the baby thing, if America weren’t at the mercy of our beloved middle-class gals, the Bill of Rights would be eleven amendments long, and one of them would say that no man shall be compelled to present himself at a girlfriend’s family’s political convention. Well, something like that, maybe with broader language to protect every law-abiding citizen from situations of extreme awkwardness before an extended/quasi family and their 40 million friends.
But we digress. How about that other middle-class women thing, the part about having to make your ex’s life miserable? Unfortunately she can’t engage in this time-honored activity because she has been happily married to a high-school sweetheart (oh god)… or can she?
Remember, choosing Sarah Palin was McBRILLIANT (it must be true because you heard it on the Rush Limbaugh show). That can only mean that she is also McBRILLIANT; and yes, America, Sarah Palin has pursued a McBRILLIANT plan to allow her to “double down” on her appeal as the embodiment of the working middle-class American woman: she tried to ruin a ex-in-law’s life.
Hence we Sarah Palin fans can rest assured that troopergate is yet another step in her McBRILLIANT strategy of generating a barrage of “false flag” scandals in order to distract the evil media while highlighting and “doubling down” on her all-American character.
Also none of this matters because Sarah Palin is smoking hot.
*He does, actually.
Liveblogging WALNUTS!
Thursday, September 4th, 2008John S. McCain officially nominated, we get no LOLZ
Thursday, September 4th, 2008Ron Paul received five votes and Mitt Romney got two. Then someone made a call for “unanimous support,” the hundreds of Ron Paul supporters/secret delegates never appeared, and John S. McCain was nominated to less-than-thundering hoorays (what is the deal with this “S” stuff, anyways?). There was one moment during Sarah Palin’s speech when security removed a woman doing the peace sign from the convention center, but she was probably lost or something.
We will liveblog McCain’s speech tomorrow. Stay tuned!
Happy Birthday, Barack Obama!
Monday, August 4th, 2008
Today is Barack Obama’s 47th birthday. Happy Birthday, Barack Obama! [Obama HQ Blogger]
P.S. To make the picture we downloaded the “Obama Logo Suite” from the campaign’s Downloads page and got a .zip file with a “__MACOSX” folder and shitloads of “.DS_Store” files. Tomorrow morning, we’re getting in line at the Obamapple Store for a Barackintosh.
This brings up a question: If Obama is President, will we still use White Macs?
Our American Empire 2: Venezuelan Oil
Monday, July 14th, 2008Reuters; Venezuela’s Chavez says oil could reach $300. Sounds like he’s hoping that oil prices go high so his government can continue to be well-financed. Or is he?
Too bad for Chavez that $300/barrel oil will render Venezuela obsolete. In the short term, prices at that level makes Canadian sand oil much more attractive. And to pile it on, ethanol will be competitive, subsidy (~50 cents/gal currently depending on estimates) or no. Biodiesel will come along for the ride, too. And soon afterward various sorts of second-generation biofuels will become competitive, and high energy prices will completely trivialize the problem of financing the necessary capital investments for wind and solar. Of course there still are big uncertainties for our post-oil utopia: hydrogen, the electric car, and nuclear power. It’s a very strange piece of debt consolidation, that our laptops’ and iPhones’ battery lives that fucking suck balls and Mr. Chavez are two sides of the same problem (but it’s only the former that I really care about. A quick rant: why does battery technology have to fucking suck so much trucknutz? Fucknuts. If I could fix one injustice in this world with a wish, it would be the terribleness of battery life. Life is so unfair. Fucking shitty ass-fuck.)
So the right answer is that Hugo Chavez really wishes that oil was trading lower, and indeed he also said that the current high prices are a speculative bubble and its crash could bring prices down to $70. That’s what he really needs, not $300 oil.
Because once $300 oil comes, we won’t be importing oil from Venezuela anymore. We’ll be importing hot Latinas who know how to walk in a dress and heels.